Are You A Republican?

A new year is upon us. This is a time when people indulge that time-honored tradition―a New Year’s resolution―of resolving to change an undesired trait or behavior. It is in this spirit that the following survey is offered for politicians and their faithful supporters.

Has anyone ever called you a “miserable son of a bitch?  If the answer is yes, you might be a Republican.  Former Speaker of the House of Representatives John Boehner, during a speech in 2016 called Texas Republican U.S. Senator Ted Cruz “Lucifer in the flesh,” and further stated: “I have Democrat friends and Republican friends. I get along with almost everyone. But I have never worked with a more miserable son of a bitch in my life.”

Are you a white nationalist who believes that racial diversity is not our strength as a country? If the answer is yes, you might be a Republican. Congressman Steve King (R-Iowa), quoting Hungarian Prime Minister Victor Orban, tweeted “Diversity is not our strength. Mixing cultures will not lead to a higher quality of life but a lower one.” In addition, King has frequently questioned contributions to society by non-white people.

Have you ever supported, or voted for a person facing credible accusations of pedophilia? If the answer is yes, you could only be a Republican. Former U.S. Senate candidate Roy Moore, who, as a man in his thirties only enjoyed the company of teenage girls, was endorsed by the Republican President and supported financially by the Republican National Committee, headed by Ronna Romney McDaniel.

For men: have you ever bragged that you are a “star,” and this therefore gives you the power to grab female genitalia without consequence? If the answer is yes, you might be a Republican.  The infamous “Access Hollywood” videotape revealed only one out of a host of character defects in the Republican who resides in the White House.

For women: have you ever voted for a man who brags about his prowess in molesting women? If the answer is yes, you might be a Republican.  There are two streams of thought here. First, you might be an introvert who has latent fantasies of bedding a billionaire, and second, you might be a brazen extrovert (also known as a tramp) who openly accepts an invitation to slither into the gutter and wallow in the filth and perversions of a Republican Commander-in-Chief.

For self-styled Evangelicals:  does your faith in God give you confidence to stand before a crowd of reporters and lie with a straight face? If the answer is yes, you might be a Republican. White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders proliferates lies on a daily basis. A study by the Washington Post reveals that the number of lies in the first year of the current administration is over 1,000, as compared with 18 by the previous administration over a four-year period. The only time that Sanders does not lie, like her boss, is when her lips are not moving.

Have you ever attempted to subvert the rule of law? If the answer is yes, you might be a Republican…not to mention a traitor. It is common knowledge that Russians interfered with our last presidential election. We also know that certain Americans assisted the Russians. At this time, we do not know what these Americans received in return for their treasonous acts. Nevertheless, Congressmen Devin Nunes (R-Ca) and Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) are acting like lawyers for the Kremlin in their bold attempts to undermine the FBI and the ongoing investigation by Special Counsel Robert Mueller into Russian collusion and conspiracy.

Have you ever accepted a bribe to vote in a certain way? If the answer is yes, you might be a Republican.  Representative Chris Collins (R-NY) and Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) publicly admitted that their contributions from big donors would end following their failure to repeal the Affordable Care Act, if they did not soon do something to enrich their political benefactors (“Get it done, or don’t ever call me again”). At the time of these statements, a “tax reform” package was on the legislative agenda.

As a legislator, have you ever voted in favor of a bill that would greatly enrich your finances? If the answer is yes, you might be a Republican. The recently passed Republican tax bill greatly enriched many of the senators and representatives who voted on it, not to mention the man who signed the bill into law. No Democrats voted in favor of the bill. Pundits referred to one of the more noteworthy Republican votes as the vehicle for a “Corker-Kickback.”

If you answered yes to one of the above questions, you have the necessary credentials to present yourself as a bona fide member of the Republican Party; this must be a great source of pride for yourself, your family and your community. If you answered yes to three of the foregoing questions, you are a contemptible person, and probably a traitor. If you answered yes to all of the above questions, you are a revolting specimen of humanity, and not even decades of successful New Year’s resolutions will eradicate your moral unfitness.

This year past has been a period of unprecedented tumult. Republicans have led a withering assault against free speech, the rule of law and the various institutions of democracy. They have poisoned the air, given corporations the authority to fleece the public, stolen  public lands, and in a final act of contempt for hard working Americans, lined the already deep pockets of wealthy individuals with a pseudo-tax reform act that future generations will be forced to pay for.

To those who are not Republicans, HAPPY NEW YEAR! And good luck with saving our democracy in the coming months. The storm is gathering.

Pedophile Starter Kit

If you are one of those people who become aroused at the thought of intimate relations with children, following are some pointers to assist you in the advance of your prurient interests.

First, you will need appropriate employment; not just any job, but something that will allow you critical time to cruise malls, roadside rest areas and little girls dance recitals, without anything as mundane and interfering as a 40 hour per week regimen to hinder your desires.

It is suggested that you start your own foundation. Even better, make it an organization whose stated purpose is ministering to the moral needs of a wayward flock. After all, a self-righteous agenda is the best way to avoid the prying eyes of the Internal Revenue Service. This will allow you to solicit and receive donations from anyone–even neo-Nazis.  Next, you make public statements claiming that you do not draw a regular salary, but secretly arrange for yourself an annual stipend of $180,000.00. If the amount you have bilked from various sources falls short of your secret salary, then you simply take a note from the foundation for later payment. Thus, your cruising time, and the funds to support it, remains “unmolested.” As an addendum, it would be a good idea to pay your wife at least $65,000.00 per year so she can tell the world what a good Christian man you are when the victims of your cruising pursuits begin to surface.

Next, you will need support, so you may as well start at the top. History books will tell you that Ethel and Julius Rosenberg were executed in 1953 on charges of conspiracy for selling, among other things, nuclear secrets to the Soviets.  But things are different nowadays. The Executive branch has sold our government and leadership in the world to Vladimir Putin in exchange for a few billion in bank loans. Traitors and treason rule the day in Washington, D.C., so anyone with a desire to bash the LGBT community and people of color will not even make back page news.  Treason is foisted upon gullible citizens as “fake news.”

Likewise, you will find support with treason enablers in two-faced Senate Republicans. Only a few days ago, these glorious leaders were on their soapbox telling Americans how much more important that women and children were, when compared with alleged pedophiles.  But when a chance to honor their donors and the wealthiest corporations and individuals by brazenly raping the Middle Class arrived, they couldn’t jump at the opportunity to welcome a pedophile into their ranks quick enough. This sordid affair was best summed up by Senator Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa), when he claimed that people like the Kochs and Mercers were entitled to unfair gratuities because they invest, while Middle Class Americans spend their money on booze, women and movies. The idea that transferring wealth from the Middle Class to greedy people as a way of creating economic expansion is pure myth, not to mention outright theft.

You will also have the support of the predominant Republican Evangelical clergy, no matter how unsavory the events of your past add up. All you have to do is attend church each Sunday and express fidelity to the Ten Commandments. But just think of the target-rich environment you might find there by becoming a Sunday school teacher.

Comedian Jeff Foxworthy once quipped: “If you ever mow your lawn and find a car, you might be a redneck.” It appears that there are too many lawns in the state of Alabama that are in dire need of a manicure. This is the state that gave us their favorite sons, such as segregationist George Wallace and Liar-General Jefferson Sessions. Fear not, pedophile, if the myrmidons of law throw you out of office for refusing to submit to higher authority, your redneck brethren will find a new position for you.

Thieves, traitors, pedophiles…and two-faced Republicans; what an amazing team!