Pedophile Starter Kit

If you are one of those people who become aroused at the thought of intimate relations with children, following are some pointers to assist you in the advance of your prurient interests.

First, you will need appropriate employment; not just any job, but something that will allow you critical time to cruise malls, roadside rest areas and little girls dance recitals, without anything as mundane and interfering as a 40 hour per week regimen to hinder your desires.

It is suggested that you start your own foundation. Even better, make it an organization whose stated purpose is ministering to the moral needs of a wayward flock. After all, a self-righteous agenda is the best way to avoid the prying eyes of the Internal Revenue Service. This will allow you to solicit and receive donations from anyone–even neo-Nazis.  Next, you make public statements claiming that you do not draw a regular salary, but secretly arrange for yourself an annual stipend of $180,000.00. If the amount you have bilked from various sources falls short of your secret salary, then you simply take a note from the foundation for later payment. Thus, your cruising time, and the funds to support it, remains “unmolested.” As an addendum, it would be a good idea to pay your wife at least $65,000.00 per year so she can tell the world what a good Christian man you are when the victims of your cruising pursuits begin to surface.

Next, you will need support, so you may as well start at the top. History books will tell you that Ethel and Julius Rosenberg were executed in 1953 on charges of conspiracy for selling, among other things, nuclear secrets to the Soviets.  But things are different nowadays. The Executive branch has sold our government and leadership in the world to Vladimir Putin in exchange for a few billion in bank loans. Traitors and treason rule the day in Washington, D.C., so anyone with a desire to bash the LGBT community and people of color will not even make back page news.  Treason is foisted upon gullible citizens as “fake news.”

Likewise, you will find support with treason enablers in two-faced Senate Republicans. Only a few days ago, these glorious leaders were on their soapbox telling Americans how much more important that women and children were, when compared with alleged pedophiles.  But when a chance to honor their donors and the wealthiest corporations and individuals by brazenly raping the Middle Class arrived, they couldn’t jump at the opportunity to welcome a pedophile into their ranks quick enough. This sordid affair was best summed up by Senator Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa), when he claimed that people like the Kochs and Mercers were entitled to unfair gratuities because they invest, while Middle Class Americans spend their money on booze, women and movies. The idea that transferring wealth from the Middle Class to greedy people as a way of creating economic expansion is pure myth, not to mention outright theft.

You will also have the support of the predominant Republican Evangelical clergy, no matter how unsavory the events of your past add up. All you have to do is attend church each Sunday and express fidelity to the Ten Commandments. But just think of the target-rich environment you might find there by becoming a Sunday school teacher.

Comedian Jeff Foxworthy once quipped: “If you ever mow your lawn and find a car, you might be a redneck.” It appears that there are too many lawns in the state of Alabama that are in dire need of a manicure. This is the state that gave us their favorite sons, such as segregationist George Wallace and Liar-General Jefferson Sessions. Fear not, pedophile, if the myrmidons of law throw you out of office for refusing to submit to higher authority, your redneck brethren will find a new position for you.

Thieves, traitors, pedophiles…and two-faced Republicans; what an amazing team!

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